Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
