when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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