sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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