i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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