Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
