I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
