No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
