the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
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You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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