i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
