Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
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This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
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Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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