I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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