I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
