I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
