Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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