Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
