i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
