Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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