We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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