I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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