I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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