I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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