hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
