You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
