i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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