There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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