this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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