Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
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Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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