Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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