i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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