i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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