i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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