my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
