somebody snuck up and got me drunk
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
