So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
this just has baby written all over it
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
