You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
