Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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