there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
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I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
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My ATM looks so different sober.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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