Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
