my mouth tastes like poor choices
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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