News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
