tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
