I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
