Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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