I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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