it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.