I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You're a waste of cheezeits
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
