i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
