So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
