alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
