I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
