Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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