i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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