please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
