i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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