So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
