and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
